When parents and children live in the same house for years, tensions can get a little high at times. It may be that parents feel children need to be disciplined and children do not like it. It could be that children are trying to gain a certain amount of independence and parents are not willing to let go. Where ever the tensions stem, emotions can rise which fuels arguments. In this post, I am going to let you in on a little parenting psychology and show you the strategies I use for avoiding arguments with children.
Archive for Behavior Anticipation
A question was posed to me recently about what age is the right place to start to get an allowance and what the conditions should be. Here are my thoughts and they may surprise you a bit.
St. Joseph Children’s Home was the place where I learned many of skills pertaining to how to work with difficult children. There were certain house parents who did a great job with these children and others who struggled. I worked hard to learn from the best. It is my intent in the article to give you an inside look at a parenting strategy used. One of the tricks to dealing with misbehavior is to find and correct as many underlying problems as possible. When this is accomplished , a parent will either reduce the size and scope of the problem or eliminate it.
I am very excited to write to you today! I want to thank everyone who sent a parenting question. I will be answering questions not chosen privately by email.
The question I chose from “Billy” asks if I have worked with children who had anxiety issues and what strategies I used. I like this question because it is a bit tricky and I enjoy a challenge.
First, please understand it’s difficult for me to group children who have anxiety together. That’s because anxiety is an extremely broad topic. Some children I worked with have shown signs of anxiety because of something that happened in school. Depending on the circumstances, symptoms didn’t last very long. Others though showed anxiety from severe abuse suffered long before they were in my care. The symptoms were treated with medication and lasted for years.
I read from the Anxiety Disorders Association of America that it may be time to see a doctor if the issues last beyond a month and there are several treatment options. I am not a medical professional but that seems like a good rule of thumb. For the sake of this blog, I am going to pretend that the anxiety issues are less than a month old.
My first question to Billy is where does anxiety stem? Did the child watch a scary movie? Was there a death in the family? Is there an upcoming test in school that has the child on edge? Is there something on the child’s mind he/she doesn’t want to talk about but is driving them crazy? (Drugs, pregnancy) Getting to the heart of the matter is often a good first step in anxiety relief.
My oldest child once hid a poor school note from me for two days. The anxiety climaxed when he became physically sick while at school. Basically, his teacher had confronted him because I had obviously not signed the note. Once I picked him up and he finally told me what happened, consequences were assessed due to the behavior but his anxiety was instantly relieved.
A second step to help a child relieve anxiety is to be a supportive listener. When I was a child, I had a lot of anxiety issues due to not being popular and bullied at school. My mother went with the “it will pass someday” philosophy. Granted she was correct. But, that “someday” turned out to be years later. I can vividly remember examples of days when my stomach would be in knots and constant tension in my head that wouldn’t seem to go away.
Children I have subsequently worked with over the years have had the same issues I felt. I found that being a good listener and advocating where I felt it was appropriate really assisted in anxiety relief. When a child knows you are there for them and believes you can help, anxiety will typically be decreased. The key though is the belief in you. If a child doesn’t believe you can or are really willing to help, merely talking to you probably won’t be enough to relieve the anxiety.
On a side note, it is important to know a little anxiety is not a bad thing. For example, anxiety can keep a child attentive while taking a test. It can also give a child an extra pep in their step while on a football field.
There are a lot of things I am leaving out because this is a complex issue. I encourage Billy and everyone who is interested to check out this website from the aforementioned Anxiety Disorders Association of America for more information. I believe you will find the general tips helpful. http://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children-and-teens/tips-parents-and-caregivers/help-your-child-manage-traumatic-
I want to thank the people who take the time to read my material and pass it along to others. Some of my recent articles have received more attention on Facebook and Twitter than I have ever seen. I’m thrilled you think enough of my work to share it with the people you know and love.
Have a super weekend and I’ll write to you again Tuesday.