Welcome to my blog. Thanks for the feedback on my slideshow presentation for Tantrums, Troubles, and Treasures. For those who haven’t seen it, click on the About the Book section located at the top of the blog.
Next Friday, I will have a question/answer blog. Though I haven’t done this in a while, they are very popular and the parenting questions I get are thoughtful, serious, and sometimes zany (which I enjoy). If you have a question about a real or hypothetical parenting situation, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Too often, parents think of discipline in terms of “How to get that child back for what he/she did” or “How can I punish my child sorry for all the gray hair he/she is causing me.” Although consequences/punishment can be a form of discipline, it’s better to think of discipline in an overall behavioral context. Discipline is simply a means of teaching right and wrong. When a parent uses discipline effectively, they can often solve a problem before feeling like they have to pull out their hair. With that in mind here are three do’s of discipline.
1. Make sure your supervision coincides appropriately with the child’s age. For example- If your 3 year old gets in a drawer, finds a pair of scissors, and cuts their hair to the scalp while you were busy watching The View, I would worry more about you taking it as a learning lesson in supervision versus getting on the child for the inappropriate behavior. 3 year old children shouldn’t have that type of access to scissors nor the time to do the deed.
The same principal can be said of the 11 year old who is struggling in math. If, for example, you know your child struggles in math and you don’t help them- how can you consequence his academic behavior? Of course, if you do help the child and he/she still struggles, there could be a deeper issue and consequences still would not be warranted. Contrarily, if they are not giving any effort to improve their work despite your due diligence, consequences may come into play.
2. When a child misbehaves, reflect back to assess what you could have done better. Something I’ve noticed is that children don’t always mess up on their own accord without a reason (unless we are talking about toddlers who are in their own world). When a child talks back to their parent, fights their sibling, or misbehaves in school, there’s usually a reason. Although consequences may still be warranted, sharp parents will dig to the root of the problem to avoid a repeat performance. In past blogs, I have referred to this as keeping your finger on the pulse.
3. Turn down the burner before stirring the pot. When I cook spaghetti, I turn the burner on high, boil the water, and turn the burner back down before I place the spaghetti in the pot and stir it.
This analogy is used because something similar happens when discipline is needed with children. When a child is angry and misbehaving, the blood is already “boiling.” At this point, I have a couple of options. I could decide to consequence the behavior on the spot or I could wait for the child to calm down while staying close enough to keep him/her safe. Waiting is very difficult and sometimes takes an extreme amount of patience.
If I consequence the child on the spot, it would be like never turning the burner down on the stove. Eventually boiling water will escape the pot. Children are not fun to work with once things have gone this far so I typically take a different approach although I have the right to use either method.
I like to turn the burner down on children. By this I mean my own voice is under control, I will be a good listener, and I will apply consequences (if needed) based on the facts of the situation. With smaller children, some parents may choose to use intimidation to get a child to calm down an angry child. As a child gets older though, they are less apt to be intimidated-especially during the teenage years. Turning down a child’s burner before stirring the pot with consequences has been a more effective way of dealing with difficult children for me.
If you’ve noticed closely, all 3 suggestions focused on us- the parents. Don’t get me wrong, children misbehave all the time and there are times consequences have to be applied. Regardless, the most effective parents I’ve seen and worked with have the three do’s down to an art. The ones who didn’t were typically confused with why they were the parent of a “bad child.”
I’ll write to you again on Tuesday. Until then, have a great weekend with your family!