Tag Archive for bully

Growing Up Versus Getting Older

Good morning to all of you.  The more forceful tone of today’s post stems from several stories I have heard after my bullying post last week.  If you haven’t seen the post, it can be viewed at http://www.claytonpaulthomas.com/archives/480. Many emails were sent to tantrumstroublesandtreasures@yahoo.com.  Instead of responding to each one, I’m going to have to peel the gloves off a bit because there is a point which needs to be driven home.

Bullying on IRFE in March 5, 2007, the first c...

When it comes to bullying, disrespect, and general rudeness of children, let me be very clear.  Just because a child is getting older, that doesn’t mean he/she is growing up. Poor behaviors can be learned from a number of different means.  Neighborhood kids, older siblings, television, and even parents come to mind.

Getting older simply means the child/adult is still breathing.  Therefore, we are all getting older by the second.  By contrast, here’s what growing up means to me.  A child (or even an adult) is maturing and growing into a responsible citizen.  When a person is “growing up” he/she can make a positive impact on society in whatever way they choose.  For example, a 10 year old child who is going to school to learn is growing up.  Contrarily, a 16 year old punk who merely takes space in a classroom and causes trouble for others is only getting older.

There are times when parents dismiss poor behavior in a number of ways.  For example, some may say “My child is going through a phase.”  Others will use the line “They’ll (the children) grow out of it.” Although bullying along with the other behaviors mentioned often has roots in middle school, one of the reasons it persists in high school and beyond is due to the fact it was either not addressed at all or addressed so poorly, the child didn’t get the message.

There are also many behaviors not addressed in very young children which develop over time in aforementioned middle school students.  If you remember nothing else in the post- take this lesson to heart.  Poor behaviors in children are a lot like weeds.  If they are not removed, they will continue to grow until all the beauty around them is strangled.

The “phase argument” from parents is really misguided and over used so allow me to be clear.  Puberty is a phase.  By contrast, poor behaviors are signs of character flaws.  These flaws typically have not been adequately addressed completely by adults in the child’s life for whatever reason.  Many times, these character flaws are corrected with simple parenting or other adult intervention. (a school or church, for example)  Character flaws aren’t evil.  We all have spots in our character which could improve.  Besides, if our children were perfect already, they wouldn’t need us.  But, when we do not do our jobs as parents, these simple character flaws can grow.  Just like weeds, they are more difficult to remove the longer they are allowed to stay in place.

As parents, it’s our job to teach children right from wrong.   I can’t tell you how many character flaws I have corrected in children or how many flaws my mother corrected in me.  I can tell you I did my best to help the kids I worked with because it was important.  Your child does not need you to help them get older.  They can do that on their own.  Your child needs you to help them grow up.  The only question in the end is….. Will you take the time to care?

I will check in with you again on Tuesday.  Until then, take care of yourself and the ones you love.

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A Quiet Effect of Bullying

This is a revised post of an article written several months ago.  It is timely though because school is back in session.  I hope a day will come where children don’t have to worry about bullies in school because the mechanisms will be in place to stomp it out.  As a former teacher, I never tolerated bullying and even helped teachers in other classrooms with the problem.  I hope you’ll have a deeper understanding of bullying and what you can do after reading this post because the “quiet effects” aren’t discussed often.  Best wishes!

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About two weeks ago, I reconnected with a girl I had not seen since grade school.  One thing she said which really struck me was my mom seemed so “sweet” and I seemed so “sad.”  I don’t dispute her claim. But, I was shocked that was her memory of me after 25 years.

The reason I seemed so sad back then was because I was miserable.  The primary reason was bullying.  Every once in a while; bullying is brought into the national conscience because it drives someone to their death.  In my book Tantrums, Troubles, and Treasures, I use Phoebe Prince as an example.  Prince made national news because bullying helped lead to her suicide.  Over time, the topic subsides until the problem claims another victim.

I would argue that the problems and effects of bullying are more subtle on a day to day basis.  This is something that concerns me greatly.  One of the many consequences is sadness/depression.  Don’t get me wrong.  This blog is not meant to be a pity party because I was “sad.”  The problem of bullying is too difficult for anyone to quantify but I’ll tell you what it did to me and let you make your own conclusions.

True bullying started for me by, of all people, a football coach in third grade.  It carried on in some way, shape, or form until high school.  By the time I made it to high school, I was a mess.  I didn’t have any self confidence. My grades were average to below average.  It wasn’t until years later I considered myself intelligent.  The fact is I had to work harder than some others in high school because certain building blocks of education I should have had in elementary school weren’t present.

In grade school, I was always worried about what was “next” instead of the lessons in front of me.  When would I have another problem in school?  When would I have another fight on my hands?  Would I find pornography in my yard when I returned home? Would there be another egg to clean off my bedroom window?  I can safely say when I was more worried about factors outside the course work in school than the work itself; it reflected in my overall learning.  I don’t think I realized how much intelligence I had until I completed my Masters program at Bellarmine University with a 3.7 grade point average.  Turns out I wasn’t as dumb as many had perceived- including me.

Although schools have a big part to play in solving the problem, my regular readers know I don’t like to rely solely on any school.  There are too many kids and too few adult eyes.  My advice to parents has two simple parts.

1.  Teach your child about bullying before they enter a classroom. Some parents stink at teaching manners to their kids and your children should be well aware.  Children without good manners are excellent bullies because they don’t know any better.  It’s also a good idea to create pretend bullying situations at home and then discuss how they can be handled. Bullying takes on different forms the older a child gets.  Therefore, if you do this before 2nd grade and expect that lesson to last through high school, odds of success are minimal.

Also, if you wait to teach your child their lesson when the bullying occurs, you run some risks.  Perhaps the biggest one is the damage accomplished before you get wind of the problem.  To use a boxing analogy, I’d rather teach a boxer how to punch before a fight than after he steps in the ring with a trained professional.  I’m not saying that you have to teach your kids how to fight.  That is your decision.  But, I want kids prepared for problems they may face in school.  It’s harder for your child to be prepared if you do not train them.

2.  Keep your finger on the pulse. When you see mood swings in your child, that’s a warning.  Some of us attribute mood swings to hormones or “kids just growing up.”  I’ll argue that while those factors are in play; there’s usually more to it.  Dig deep enough in your child and you may discover the underlying problem.  Once a problem is discovered, it can be attacked with vigor.

This may sound obvious to some of you but all bullying situations in school should be reported.  Don’t assume that children will grow out of it or the teacher won’t do anything.   I have witnessed times when bullying happened out of earshot of the teacher in charge.  There are lots of children in a classroom so this is more common than you may think.  If a teacher doesn’t handle the situation quickly- report the problem to the principal and document each case.  I have worked with many principals and all of them took bullying seriously.

I’m sorry if I left out a lot of aspects of bullying.  It simply can’t be covered in one blog.  I wrote an entire chapter for my book and I’m still not sure if I did enough.

I wish you and your family the best.  I hope your child never goes through what so many others have. More importantly, if they do, I hope you can help provide the tools to give them the support they need.

I’ll check in with another post Tuesday.  Have a terrific weekend!

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